Learning the Art of Rupture and Repair

How to cultivate self-awareness and self-compassion for the most challenging moments

No matter what your unique situation presents to you as a parent, there are those moments in parenting that can stand out so dramatically in our minds and hearts that we simply wish that we could turn back the clock and get a little “redo” that guarantees that we stay calm, cool and “collected”. But of course, this cannot happen.

What CAN happen are our efforts to seek to understand how a situation was created so that we can better understand why our child acted in a way that we could not - in that moment -understand, and instead found ourselves engaging in a behavior of our own that not only felt awful for us, but for our child as well.

It is vital that as parents, we learn the skills to dig deep into our own relational programming when we were children ourselves to look for every bit of insight to help connect the dots between what we felt as children to what we feel now as parents.

Navigating Fear and Projection

When we witness our child display a quality or behavior that activates the fear center of our brain through our limbic system, we are unable to perceive things as they are, rather than as our fear and misunderstanding project things to be. This can often lead to a “fear spiral” in which all of what we feared would happen to us as children and what may happen to our child now takes center stage in our minds and through our actions.

From Inner Safety to Other Safety

To truly understand our child, we MUST fully understand ourselves. Every relationship we have is based on the relationship we have with ourselves.

This means that in any given moment – especially in the most upsetting and challenging ones, knowing what state of your nervous system you’re in. You can create an inner awareness that then enables you to be more deeply aware of how your child feels as well.

When you recognize the different:

·         physical sensations and emotions

·         thoughts, stories, and beliefs

·         and behaviors and actions of each state you are in, you can take back agency and control, rather than being overwhelmed by what’s happening in your nervous system.

You can engage with it rather than feeling helpless and not understanding why you feel drained, anxious, or overwhelmed in some of your connections.

In the Sympathetic Nervous System state, you may notice:

·         heat, tension tightness throughout the arms, shoulders, and chest.

·         anxiety, agitation, restlessness.

·         you have difficulty switching off or like you can’t relax.

·         you have thoughts like “I’m going to fall short. I’m going to fail.” Or “Something bad is about to happen.

·         you may find yourself becoming argumentative, criticizing, or blaming other people.

·         you may say hurtful things that you later regret.

Repair and Redeem

Relational safety is a major aspect of a health parent/child dynamic. But it is often a very fragile part of the connection between parents and children. Repairing and redeeming a (temporary) relational rupture with your child is a skill that you can develop as a parent by practicing how to notice your intrinsic memories (triggers) from your own past, how to interpret what they mean to you and to understand what “stories” you tell yourself about those past events. To be “triggered” meant that our nervous system perceives a signal of threat in our environment, telling our body and brain to prepare for “fight” or “flight”. It means that our body and brain work together to figure out how to get us to physical and emotional safety as soon as possible.

When you recognize your own thought patterns around how you felt as a child and how you were parented, this can inform you of how you feel in the present when your child behaves in ways that frustrate you, anger you, and cause a great deal of confusion. One of the keys to being able to repair and redeem a situation when you became “unglued” and detached from your inner awareness is to accept that you and your child had a very difficult, upsetting experience with each other, so that from there, it can become an opportunity for more growth that can strengthen your relationship.

Here are the steps that we can practice together in our coaching sessions to help you and your child grow closer together after a very difficult situation. Children are indeed quite resilient, and when given the chance to heard, seen and loved no matter what they have done or how they feel, the connection you both seek can prosper.

Recipe for a Meaningful Repair:

1.     Connect with your child. Seek a time and place when you and they are calm to talk.

2.     Ask consent – ask your child if they are willing to have a chat with you – if not now, let them choose a time

3.     Use an inquisitive approach by starting with saying “I imagine you may be feeling_____”.

4.     Let them know how you’re feeling about what happened: “Because I chose to________”.

5.     Tell them “I regret that I ______ because it caused you to _______”.

6.     Reassure them by saying “In the future, I’ll do my best to ________”.

7.     Share details such as “Here’s what I’ll do right now to help_______”

8.     For now, would if feel good to you if I ______”?

This strategy can certainly be tweaked in any way that makes most sense to you and to your child as it is a situation of trial and error as you become more adept at recognizing your past experiences, your triggers and how they relate to your present feelings and thoughts about who you are and how your child “ought” to be too. Step by step you CAN build a stronger, more empathetic relationship with your child!

If you have questions or comments, I welcome you to reach out to me by email at lifetransition4u@gmail.com or book a complimentary call on the Bookings page!